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Literature Text
He gave me a rose;
It represented our eternal love,
until it wilted three days later.
When you asked me what I wanted
I told you anything but flowers.
The rose is a hypocrite:
not at all profound
and even less prolific.
So, you got me a rose
made of glass, and
we laughed together
as I placed it on a shelf.
There it collected dust,
until it was toppled by
the tiniest jolt.
I gingerly collected the pieces
of fractured romance,
while you cajoled me with
it doesn't matter.
One day you gave me
a diamond, cut to look like
a white rose (of sympathy).
I kept it, but
I never got you back.
It represented our eternal love,
until it wilted three days later.
When you asked me what I wanted
I told you anything but flowers.
The rose is a hypocrite:
not at all profound
and even less prolific.
So, you got me a rose
made of glass, and
we laughed together
as I placed it on a shelf.
There it collected dust,
until it was toppled by
the tiniest jolt.
I gingerly collected the pieces
of fractured romance,
while you cajoled me with
it doesn't matter.
One day you gave me
a diamond, cut to look like
a white rose (of sympathy).
I kept it, but
I never got you back.
Suggested Collections
Aug 03, 2012: I hadn't read or edited this poem for years until today. I hope this is better. The original text of the poem went like this:
He had given me a rose.
It represented our eternal love
until it wilted a few days later.
So, when you asked me what you should get me
for my birthday,
I told you anything but flowers.
The rose is a hypocrite:
not at all profound
and even less prolific.
So you got me a rose that was made of glass.
“This one won’t wilt,” you said
triumphantly.
I gingerly placed it on a shelf
and a few years later, it still sat there
forgotten.
When we weren’t looking
our child found it,
shattering its stem and some of its petals.
I was sad at its loss
(I felt like I’d lost you)
and we were broken for a long time.
One day you gave me
a diamond, cut like a white rose
of sympathy.
I kept it, but
I never got you back.
© 2009 - 2024 ATrue
Comments9
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Overall
Vision Originality
Technique ImpactHonestly? I like the original better. It's more complete and so I suppose it feels more authentic. Perhaps you could add in a bit more to the new version? Both have excellent touches of irony and anti-cliche to them, which I assume is what you were going for.
I think I might just be confused about the ending. In the original, the protagonist sees the shattering of the glass rose as if she'd lost the person. "Fractured romance" in the revised version is excellent. In the revised version, we don't get that sense,. because the other person says "it doesn't matter".
But then, at the end, in both versions, the protagonist is presented with a diamond (which I took to mean a proposal), and then the confusion sets in. She keeps it - so, she accepts, even though she feels like she "never got (you) back"? Did she leave, but keep the ring? Marry the person but a;ways feel a terrible distance between them? I just feel it would be a more effective piece if this were made clearer.
Hope my critique helped. Also, on the mundane side, "we laughted together" shouldn't have a "t" in "laughed". <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>